A Bad Case of the Used Tos

I have realized I say “I used to” a lot. Like Damn. I used to be a runner. I used to game. I used to cook. I used to have hobbies. When it hit me I was doing this it was a bit overwhelming. These were all aspects that were a deep part of me and now they are not. And if they aren’t, then what replaced them.

When I get baking, especially for those I love…

So I started to take stock and think about what had replaced it. I didn’t actively choose what replaced it. I didn’t go from I used to cook but now I’m really into grilling. No it was just I used to cook. So what replaced it was the default opposite of what was there. I used to cook? I must just get take out. I used to run? Now I just mainly sit. I used to game? Now I just passively sit watching TV. And that is really depressing when I think about how it impacted how I was approaching going back to the things I loved.

I would go to the gym, hop on the treadmill and start to run. Nope, can’t do that, it’s too hard. Now normally I know that I need to build back up to running, you can’t just jump right in to where you were but that isn’t what was playing in the back of my head. That would go with. Wow, I’m not as fast I used to be. I can’t go as far as I used to be. I’m not a runner anymore. Why am I evening trying? I should just go home and stop embarrassing myself. And given my anxiety and often life saying “hey the to do list is getting longer as you are over there trying to be something you’re not”, I would stop.

And that is really depressing because I used to do a lot of cool stuff. Yes, I have always had intense anxiety and fear but after four decades I have gotten pretty good at pushing myself to try something new. But so much of that strength was gone. Now I am sure at some point I will go into how that got eroded by multiple tides from different directions but that can be a different post. Or actually probably multiple. But I have been trying to push to get back to me I liked. I used to go to concerts. I now do. I used to run 5ks. I am registered for several. I used to try new things. Well, thanks to an amazing Nancy, I tried boxing. And wow, what an amazing positive in my life for so many reasons. And that helps with the I used to be fit. I might not be it now, but is no longer I used to be to I will be. And that is mindset I need to keep.

So Yep.

I Don't Believe in Horoscopes but I am a Total Virgo

I have never really invested in horoscopes but I have always loved the whole Virgo persona. So the “traits” of us September babies are:

Strengths: Loyal, analytical, kind, hardworking, practical

Weaknesses: Shyness, worry, overly critical of self and others, all work and no play

Virgo likes: Animals, healthy food, books, nature, cleanliness

Virgo dislikes: Rudeness, asking for help, taking center stage

(from - https://www.astrology-zodiac-signs.com/zodiac-signs/virgo/)

Yes, I know these are purposefully general in order to relate to me but yet I look at that list and go, yep. Well…except for the healthy food. I do devour all sorts of berries and do love soups and salads, but I love beef. A good burger or a steak? Of course! My Wela’s red rice and beans, that is my one island food answer. But the rest, very much so.

Well cleanliness, technically that is true. I hate dirt, germs, etc. Now clutter…well, sometimes my kitchen table will go all weak without having space and I do fit the Puerto Rican mom stereotype and there are currently cookie sheets in the oven.

That said, I think there is more to why I love the concept of Virgo. I am a mythology buff. Shocker, my name comes from the goddess of the moon. And though the Virgo constellation originally was the Sumerian goddess Shala, the goddess of compassion and grain, it is most identified with the Greek goddess of Demeter and her daughter Persephone. Demeter, the goddess of the grain was also the most dedicated mother. Her daughter, the queen of the underworld, when married to Hades leaving her mother, caused the seasons to be created. Her mother was so upset that her despaired caused the crops to whither and die and winter to start. Persephone, trying to be both a good wife and a good daughter, splits her time so that way we can have Spring and Summer. Yes, Virgo is also related to the Roman goddess Ceres, but the Greek ones are my favorite. Hades, is a pretty cool guy who is just trying to make the best of a bad situation. As the oldest, he had to deal with all his siblings, took the worst job and had a dog, Cerberus, whose name translates to Spot. I mean, not that bad.. So the characters involved are some of my favorite besides my namesake and of course, Athena.

Then there is the iconography related to Virgos. Often a woman with dark wavy hair, holding grain and surrounded by the stars, often the moon is also in the mix, which I like because it hints at my name. I love the grain imagery because I do love to bake and feed people. That is a familiar trait, there is a deep seeded fear that is passed down through the generations that at any moment people will be hungry and you have then failed them.

So pretty adjectives I like to think pertain to me, cool myths that appeal to me and awesome pictures that looks like someone I would look like if I grew my hair out and wore more free flowing clothes with cool symbols. I just can’t help it. I might never look up what my horoscope says for the day but damn it, I am a Virgo.

So yep.

Let's Get Started or How Sims Made Me Start This

I have been wanting to do this for a long time and have tried and then stalled multiple times. But my life has taken an odd turn and as I entered my 40s (I’m currently 41 at the time of writing this). I found myself single, in a job that was sucking the life out of me, a family that literally kept trying to die for various reasons and child who was now an adult.

As I got through 40 and entered 41 I changed jobs and found out that gasp there is more to life than work, cleaning and taking care of everyone but myself. I also learned that though I normally turn to cupcakes or Target to sooth my stress, it leaves you with extra pounds of both weight and stuff. So I decided to to work on that. And I tried but I was now working from home without constant fires and people going in and out of hospitals every month and I didn’t know how to refocus. I felt so freaking lost. I wasn’t running on caffeine, sugar and adrenaline. And like any true woman feeling lost, I got a pet.

So Pepper joining the family. A kitten found in a garbage can, she came and decided she was in charge here. She is picky, demanding and really enjoys video games (my tv is covered in paw prints as she tries to catch whatever is used for the loading page).

And as I started playing Sims due to watching various Twitch and Buzzfeed videos of game play while cleaning out my house, I realized I really really liked the game. I am normally a FPS person but there was something calming about it. And then it occurred to me, I could organize their lives in a way I didn’t feel like my life was.

So while Pepper tried to catch the moving arrow I played thinking about what specifically was motivating me to make the clicks. The first was I could pre-load activities and rarely did my Sim deviate. I, on the other hand, procrastinate, like checking instagram, twitter or playing Sims for just a few examples. I used to have a calendar that I kept up to date and had alarms on my phone. Now, I’m technically winging it in comparison to what I used to be. I need to find a happy medium.

Second - my character was leveling up her skills in things I used to love: writing, cooking and fitness. She also was working on other traits but those were the first ones I focused on leveling up. When that moment hit (which I know, my Sim is named Diana and is a brunette with curly hair like her creator so duh), I realized I missed these things. Over the past 6ish years they all fell away. I used to do movie and comic reviews for other sites (no, I’m not good at it) but I enjoyed it. I used to love coming up with new recipes. And I used to run 5ks and was so super proud of that line in my triceps and calves. And they all fell away as I let life impact me.

Third - there was direction. And was sad was I was literally the one driving the direction. So I could build a great life for my Sim but not for me? Now how ridiculous is that statement.

But I felt so all over the place. Maybe it was a midlife crisis or the fact that for the first time in a while I haven’t been on the go from 5am to 9pm daily non-stop, but now there is time. And I am not taking advantage of it in the right way.

So after talking it over with a heavy bag (I will talk about how amazing Title Boxing has been for me) and Pepper and decided to start this blog.

So, that is the rambling story of how an idea inspired by Sims is now this website. Now whether a single person reads this, I have no clue.

But I think having a way to keep myself accountable while writing again is probably not going to be a bad thing.

So yep.