I pretty much live with a pit in my stomach at all times. Fear is such a constant companion in my life it might be the thing I have had the longest relationship with. Because it has always been there it hasn’t been until recently that I discovered that, no, this is not what everyone else feels as their baseline normal. To be honest, I always thought I was pretty good and was pretty daring because I had all this fear and I still did things that caused my internal self to scream to the high heavens. Now I know that apparently, other people are starting off with potentially less panic, anxiety and fear than I am. And that made me start to unpack where the fear comes from and if I am so consistently in fear and still do things, why aren’t others?
So where it comes from is a bit clear - some of it comes from personal aspects, especially when I was young. Some comes from literally having anxiety. Some of it is probably even a defense mechanism I developed to handle my undiagnosed until this year ADHD. But it is what it is. I have pretty much accepted it.
Now this fear is intense. Like nobody likes you, you are going to be fired any minute, if you step on the treadmill you are going to trip, fall and break your neck as you hit your head on the wall behind it slides you to it Final Destination style. No joke, my fear is incredibly creative.
Even my passion for my career stems from fear. I was sick a lot as a kid. I have had 8 surgeries, the first when I was 4. Feeling that fear, that anxiety, that what if, can be a lot. Then I saw some concerning aspects of healthcare and those outcomes and that really amped up the fear. And though the fear made me feel overwhelmed and helpless, I looked to grasp at what I could do to lessen that.
So as a kid, I remember being told that Batman’s true motivation was fear. Yes, he lost his parents, but originally, the motivation came from fear, not vengeance. He didn’t want another child ever feel the way he felt. That idea so overwhelmed him that he determined to do what he could to help prevent it. So I took that approach. If I learn everything I can, prepare as much as I can, I might not be able to prevent the event, but maybe, I can at least lessen the impact and damage it could do.
And that is why in many ways my fear has become a superpower for me. Yes, I at some point have to push through it to take action, but it more than anything forces me to prepare in ways that are ridiculous. And because I also don’t want another child to experience how I felt, that motivation led me to my career path.
I read all the time, while working I am listening to podcasts. I devour media in all its forms. And this comes from a place of not just enjoying it, because to be honest a well written book is a pleasure all to itself, but in an effort to be prepared. And to be clear when I say media, I mean any type and form. Action movies, comics, Tik Tok, all over the place. Because even when it is fiction or entertainment it can speak to you and teach you about others and yourself in ways non-fiction and educational items just can’t. Plus sometimes, it has the ability to quiet that anxiety and fear a bit better than other avenues. Is there nothing better than getting lost in a good story?
And through that preparedness, pushing through the fear is a lot lot easier. I can present in front of a large crowd pretty easily and I would like to believe with some value, even though I will probably be sick before and after. Though I couch a lot of my comments in qualifiers, that is more due to knowing I don’t know everything on anything than having confidence in what I do know. And I literally have a treadmill in my office a few feet away from me from where I am currently sitting that yes, I should use more often but does get used.
I know I am far from the only one who deals with this. And with the past couple of years folks who have maybe never experienced this are doing so.
It’s okay. It’s exhausting. It is intense. But if the Batman Approach makes sense, give it a shot. But most importantly, just take care of yourself.
And may 2022 be the most boring year in decades. We all really need a break.