Dating in your 40s - What I want in a guy

“So what are you looking for on this site?” Is probably the most common statement I get besides Hi on Hinge. Totally get it, it is a completely reasonable question. Problem is the answer is a bit tricky. My normal response is “To meet new people, and hopefully, meet someone special I can have a relationship with”.

Does it get more beauty contestant answer than that?

But it is a hard thing to say. I would like a relationship, it is my default. I have never been a “let’s keep it casual” kind of gal and one night stands scare the hell out of me. I mean, what if the guy is a serial killer? Plus one night stands seem great and all when you don’t want to focus on building something with another person. It addresses specific needs, no real commitment issues, heck, can be back home and sleep in your own bed. But for me, it has some serious downsides.

Let’s set aside the whole if you liked it you don’t get to hit it again issue and of course the whole have to use protection issue, my attraction to guys is not normally a physical one. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I can appreciate a good looking guy. But there are certain things that aren’t physical that can REALLY get me going. Like passion. Honestly, listening to a guy talk passionately about what they love, whether it is something like old construction equipment, comics, computers or boxing is amazing. I have never understood the old “Oh listening to him talk about X is just so boring”. Sure if it is the same story you have heard or the 18th time, I get that. But when a guy is talking about something he is passionate about and you see that spark in their eyes twinkling with excitement, oh Lord, dunk me in cold water.

And that is a big problem for me. Because when I see that passion, I want to help them grow it. I want to see where it takes them. I want to see as they pursue it. Even my Hollywood crushes fall into this problem. Besides Keanu who is objectively attractive regardless, most of what gets me is comedians. You can tell they have truly honed their craft and when they speak about something off the cuff they are passionate about, I’m done. Jon Stewart retiring from the Daily Show was the best thing to happen to me because I could more easily go to sleep at night.

So that leaves the answer. What am I looking for. Well, I always had hard age limits but with the volume of younger guys messaging me I started to talk to some a bit. I still don’t think it will go anywhere because frankly it is hard when you have two people in different spots in their lives. I am a mom through and through. For a person who has never had a kid, that can be a hard thing to get. Not because there is something wrong or anything but because put bluntly, when you have someone’s life in your hands literally your priorities shift. It just does. And there are very few other potential scenarios were that comes into play as hardcore as being a parent.

Which is why realistically I see myself dating a single dad. I love kids so if it got serious and I met his, I don’t think it would be an issue to love them as if they were my own.

My mom always says I need to find a guy who we are equally yoked. To help explain you yoke your animals that are pulling a cart or a carriage. so if you have two horses pulling a carriage they need to be not only be pacing at the same rate, they need to have the weight equally distributed and the harnesses at the same length. I know, its odd, but my mom is really into British tv and this is definitely from period pieces. But I get the concept. I need to be in a relationship where we are both in it the same amount. Where the expectations for the relationship is the same. And we need to be similarly paced. That one is a biggie. I have had a tendency to date men who weren’t as motivated as I am. Not to make money, though having a job is important in some sense, I mean motivated to do things. To be better. To grow. To hustle. To try new things. This has been a common complaint across my entire family, lol. As I was told by one sibling “For the love of God stop choosing men that make you slow down instead of keeping pace”. I like having crazy goals and trying to become a better version of me. So I need a guy who is wants to do the same so we can get better together.

There are others things as well, like I need to have some things in common with them. Whether we both love movies, or books, or walking in the sand, or going to concerts, or playing video games, or taking pictures at the zoo, or wandering the art museum (okay, that one I kinda like to do alone), or own way to many books, or run 5ks (slowly for me, lol) or go to the gym together, or trying new restaurants or something else in my laundry list of things I enjoy, which is a lot, there has to be something. I am totally down for trying other things he might enjoy, but it also needs to be mutual, at least trying something once. And having at least one thing we have to do together immediately makes it easier to spend time together besides the normal sit at a bar or sit at home watching tv.

But these aren’t really things you can say on an app in short text messages back and forth. It is either there or it isn’t. So it makes it difficult to honestly answer that question.

What I want is a connection. A real one. A deep one. A look into each others eyes and see who they actually are not who they pretend to be for the world. A I can curl up into his arms and cry when I am at my wits end connection. A I love you for who you are and who you want to become level connection.

I don’t know if that is out there. Or if it is if they will even want a relationship or to be in one with me. But I do like going for crazy goals so I guess I need to try.

Dating in your 40s aka at least I’ll get some good stories out of it?

I am 41 and single. I have had a few long term relationships with good men, but nothing was the right fit. And I am a bit picky. I love my life and I want to make sure that the person who comes into it will be a good fit for it, not just to have someone.

So that has left me in the dating world. And that has made me realize a few things.

One, being single leaves you open for crushes that can really feel like you are a teen again and that is rough. I have been dealing with a crush on a really awesome guy for a bit now. It is not feasible because he is not interested in me in that way, or at least I don’t think he is. And I am not willing to ask to figure it out. He is currently really helping me become a better person. He is helping me work on my fears and overcome the blocks in my head to be a healthier person. There are moments I want to grab his face and kiss him. But I won’t because I am not willing to risk loosing him and the relationship we have now by scaring the crap out of him with trying to awkwardly hit on him. That wouldn’t be fair to him. And then I would loose someone who is making a real difference in my life.

But those feelings can be intense in the stupidest ways imaginable. I am not 13, what the hell. I am a logical professional woman so why does he pop in my head so much. It’s very weird. I thought I would have outgrown this by now.

Crushes, ugh

So there’s that aspect. Then there is a the option aspect. I have been on dates with men where it is clear from the get-go they have “options” and that they want to pretty much have all of it. I went on date with a guy who at first seemed great. Then towards the end of the date he started to treat it like a wrap up to an interview. Tells me about the other dates he has had and ones he has scheduled. He wants a second date but will contact me later in the week to schedule after his other dates.

Okay, so, there is a lot to unpack there but obviously, I was a no to a second date because WTF. Listen, I am not saying people should be committed after the first date. Far from it. Take your damn time and figure out if it is a good match. When people are all in right away they freak me out too. But this? This was so inappropriate. I get people have options, whether it our age or the times we live in, it is what is true. And it is very true for men. They can date way younger than themselves and people just assume they have money or the girl has daddy issues. Some men really embrace the McConaughey “Dazed and Confused” philosophy.

But you don’t treat people that way. That is just not okay. I am a choice not an option. So don’t treat people like they have to compete for the position of being with you. That is just not cool.

Then there is the issue of being old fashioned. I really like it when men take the lead. Like a lot. I want to be asked out on an actual date. Not let’s hang out but an actual date. I was in the bookstore and saw a book I almost got for my kid and randomly flipped open to this page:

https://www.amazon.com/How-Not-Dick-Love-Everything/dp/006287182X/ref=sr_1_5?keywords=how+not+to+be+a+dick&qid=1561902697&s=gateway&sr=8-5

The book is called How Not to be a Dick. And I literally took a pic of the page and sent it to a friend. I was laughing because this is dead on. I want a guy to show he is interested and to make it clear. No, flirt flirt flirt not hear from ya or talk about another girl while getting drinks. How am I to know what you are aiming for if you are being all vague.

Sometimes a gal just wants a guy to just go for it and kiss her. That can really clear up the confusion.

I dated a guy who never planned a date. I take that back we dated for over three years and he did plan about a dozen dates. All good, I liked them. But in three years that was a drop in the bucket in comparison to the amount we went out. His go to line when I would ask what he wants to eat or where he wants to go? “Whatever my baby wants”. Your baby wants you to make up your damn mind. Even on the vacation he was taking me on, I booked the tickets, the hotel, etc. Oh, he would give input saying why my choices wouldn’t work that well, but did he actually make a decision. No.

Now I am not saying that a guy needs to always make every decision or plan everything but show some initiative. It gets old fast.

There are some other things, like online dating and why in the world men half my age ask me out (like honestly, why?), but I think I will hold off and do other posts on those. Until then, have fun :)

Ride or Die Chick - Why I Claim It though with a Slight Twist on the Meaning

For those who don’t know, a ride or die chick means a gal who is loyal to her partner regardless of the cost, even if it endangers herself. I get this, but not necessarily in terms of a partner. To me there is something a little off about that one. No, I change it a bit to mean a gal who is loyal to her family regardless of the cost, even if it endangers herself. This I completely relate to. I normally live by one rule, you can say and do whatever you want to me, I’ll handle it. But you do F with my family. Nothing gets me more upset than someone messing with someone I love. Call me names, it will slide off my back. Call my mom something, I just see red. And for me family is not just blood. As I previously have written one of the most important people in my life I shared absolutely no blood with. I have friends who are very much my family. And if I get a phone call in the middle of the night from one of them half way across the country and they need me, I will be there.

So this idea of a Ride or Die Chick appeals to me because it is very much how I feel about those I love. But it is not limited to a guy and to be honest, I don’t know if I have ever had a relationship with a man that has ever made me feel that way other than he is my family. Apparently I am already built for it so why wouldn’t it naturally happen to the level were I was also a more traditional ride or die chick. And I think it is because there is something a bit sad about the traditional concept.

So both types are referenced in the Fast and the Furious franchise. Letty and Dom are the ultimate traditional type of ride or die for each other. And I love me some Letty and Dom. But it is also a bit rough because though they have each other backs, they are ultimately bringing each other down in the process. They don’t question each others actions. They don’t encourage each other to be better, just to be safer in the execution of what they are trying to do.

My kind of ride or die is a bit different and that is VERY much on display in Fast and Furious. Ride or Die for your family. Dom will do anything to protect Mia, but he also wants the very best for her. Brian, who starts off getting to be traditional ride or die as a friend with Dom, becomes a family ride or die because of his love for Mia. He wants her safe, he wants the baby safe, and he wants them to have the opportunity to have a better life than the life they are currently living while on the run. Letty and Dom, come around to the family ride or die view because of their love for their family, but if left to themselves would Bonnie and Clyde it up without any hesitation.

And that is where the problem to me lies. Bonnie and Clyde were betrayed by their friends, split up by their family and ultimately died because they truly only had each other. And in this world, that is simply not enough and frankly selfish. Bonnie’s family had to deal with a lot when she ran off with Clyde, and they hated Clyde for it so much they did not allow them to be buried together.

I love the F&F franchise a lot. Like damn, a lot. But I think that is because it gets my world view so much. Family first. And family is not just by blood. There is a certain young man, now married and a dad, who we could not speak to each other for the next twenty years, where he now governor of a colony on Mars and I am building algorithms in a massive super computer deep underground in order to keep its servers cool, if he called me up and said “Hey, I have a political opponent who is messing with me and going after my family, I need help” it wouldn’t even take a heartbeat for me to book the travel and start doing research to find a play to help. That is the other twist, ride or die implies a level of violence but for me, I know where my strengths are. I know where I would help the most. Yes, I guess I could get all grr and such, but lets be honest, a fist won’t solve unemployment or determining if an opportunity is right, ensuring medical care is timely and appropriate while in an ER or even just figuring out how to do their taxes. No, I know how my ride or die is best executed for those I love.

So odd topic, I know. But As I have watched the new trailer for Hobbs and Shaw for the 18th time, I felt the need to talk about this.