Women and Expectations

Now I know I will hear about how this is kinda sexist in its take, too bad, because frankly it’s true. The majority of women expect too much from themselves.

Now granted, I am a woman, so there is an inherit bias towards this perception, but given that I see on a regular basis women who are dealing with so much and yet expecting they can do more while the men in my life primarily have underestimated their capabilities for production (notice I referred to production not talents) and shirk responsibilities in the relationship. I am guilty of this too, and that is why I feel something needs to be said.

Now what gets me is that though more women are working than ever before, the balance in things like housework, child rearing, etc hasn’t shifted to adjust for that. And what is even funnier is that house husbands are on the rise, and still, women do the majority of housework. Why, because they are women?

Now that men are staying home there is a push from them to equally share housework but come on, there was never that drive when women stayed home. What stuns me is when I hear the standard complaints from men, not enough hours in the day; I need a break, etc. I want to scream well, too bad, for generations women managed to do it, and I thought men and women are equal so why can’t men do it too?

Simple, though women now work outside the home more, time hasn’t past to break those stereotypes that things like housework and family management are a woman’s job. But I am seeing woman after woman break at this unrealistic expectation placed on them by society, their spouses and themselves.

In part, the issue is also with how men are raised. They never have been really forced to multitask, so housework seems ridiculously hard because they haven’t learned to do several things at once. I have actually seen men do dishes (with a dishwasher), scrub the bathroom, do laundry and make dinner separately. There isn’t a woman alive who would do that. (Start washing machine, prep dinner and put in oven, scrub sink and toilet, move laundry to dryer, start dishwasher, scrub tub and mop, pull out dinner, grab dishes from dishwasher for dinner, eat, restock dishwasher, fold laundry while watching 30 Rock, total time including 30 Rock and eating, 1.25 to 1.5 hours). So that needs to be addressed, but what I fear is actually something that has happened in the other direction for generations.

All women have breaking points, overwhelmed, depression and anger set in. And really, when you think of it, how could it not? Yes, there are antidepressants but if the issue isn’t addressed, it won’t stop the inevitable. She will get fed up, realize her limitations and she will leave. Now yes, it is partly her fault, she did allow those expectations from others to be placed on her, but let’s be honest, if the roles were switched, would anyone be surprised?

As women gain more economic power there is more flexibility in their choices. Though right now women who flex their economic power in social environments in similar ways to men are giving interesting nicknames like Cougars, the fact is it will grow. And so will the divorces from unequal marriages. How many working men left their stay at home wives who raised their children for a younger more active new mate? And how many were seen as justified because their wives didn’t keep a clean house or “let herself go”. Do you not think the same thing will happen as more women become the bread winners?

This is a cautionary tale for both sexes. To women, stop it, stop it right now. You cannot do everything. You will do nothing for your own health and sanity but break yourself. Then the resentment will set in as you look around at those closest to you who in many ways took advantage of you. And if your kid is 14 and doesn’t pack their own lunch they are part of the issue too. Stop it. Take a breath and start being realistic about your own abilities. Set up boundaries and start pushing back. Doing this will be good for your kids, your spouse, your family and most importantly you.

And for the men in our lives, step up. Learn to multitask. Realize that her time is just as valuable as yours. Actually look at not just what is expected from her but why it is. Do you expect her to do the housework because it was preprogrammed in to? Is it really fair? If she is putting in a 60 hour week and your hours have been cut, have you been doing more housework? Is there a real reason why you haven’t or is it because you just don’t like too? Well, here is a secret, we don’t like scrubbing toilets either. Suck it up, because to be completely honest, she can probably do better than you. Don’t give her a reason to figure that out.

Now yes, there are women who don’t do poo. They have one thing to do and it takes them all day. I call these people Pie People (long story). But for the majority of working mothers out there, they just don’t fall in that category.

So I would like everyone to make a goal for this New Years. Look at your lives and see where you need to let up on expectations. Look to see where you need to get some perspective and then do it. Can you do more? Are you ready to throw the cellphone out the window if it rings one more time? See where your life really is and what you can actually do. And then sit down and talk to your significant other. Because if the balance isn’t there, the relationship is normally where the break will happen.

So cleaning out my planner I came across the list I made when I was young for what I want in a man. Now this list was started in High School and was added to through college, stopping roughly when I was roughly 19.

Now I love lists so it isn’t surprising I made it. What is funny is what is on it. So, to embrace an embarrassing aspect of my personality, here is the list of what I wanted in a man.

• Wants to take care of me as much as I want to take care of him
• Taller than me in heels *
• Well Groomed but not Shallow
• Healthy Eating Habits
• Physically Active
• Military Build (not necessarily in the military)
• Ambitious
• Passionate *
• Civic-minded
• Aware
• Kind
• Looking for a Laura Croft not a Betty or a Cindy *
• Intro at least 1: Music, Theatre or Politics
• Likes Old Movies
• Likes Kung Fu Movies
• Likes Action Movies *
• Likes at Least 1: Funk, Big Band, Ska, Techno, Jazz
• Has no issues with Gays or Homosexuality
• Doesn’t Pretend to be an expert in things he doesn’t know
• Clean *
• Smells Good *
• Understands how important my family is to me *
• Goal – Oriented
• Positive Thinking
• Good Manners *
• Only Recreational Smoking *
• No Drugs *
• Loves Dogs
• Either enjoys dancing or is okay with me going without him
• Loves Baseball, Football and/or Soccer
• Encourages Me
• Sees me as an equal
• Argues over who will get the bill
• A Gentleman
• Family Approved
• Kisses are addictive
• Makes me go silent during sex (in a good way)
• Lets me have alone time/ No Smothering
• Not Controlling
• Doesn’t Make Fun of Me
• Gentle
• Goofy/ Fun Loving
• Outgoing
• Adventurous *
• Warm
• Loves to Learn
• Can Cook
• Enjoys Traveling/ wanderlust
• Loyal to Friends
• Loves his mom but no hang-ups (doesn’t want a mom replacement in me)
• Decent with Money
• No Cheating

means it’s a dealbreaker

Hope this makes you giggle as much as it did me.

Those who are defending Roman Polanski either don’t have a fucking clue about the case or make me question their concept of morals and ethics. I doubt very much that if a person who defended Roman Polanski had this happen to someone they loved they would NEVER be saying such things.

The victim has NEVER said it was consensual. Never, not once, nada. So when a 40 something man drugs and then forces a 13 yr old girl to have sex while she says no and begs him to stop, where the evidence isn’t just what she says but also physical proof and witness testimony by Angelica Houston, is not rape, I would like to know what is.

Roman Polansky is damn lucky because he has a bunch of people saying that because he is talented it is okay that he raped a 13 yr old girl. But most importantly, he is damn lucky that I wasn’t that girl’s mother, because I guarantee that his currently 30 something old wife (who is almost the same age as the victim) would never have had the chance to meet him. Because I would have cut off his little Polansky and would have done to him what he did to that little girl. And no, I am not joking. I know what I am capable of, especially if someone hurt my baby boy. I know I would snap if some jackass not only did such a horrendous act to my baby, but then proceed to say he asked for it and that he was lying. Yeah, he would be lucky if that was all I did.

This is an amazing explanation of the biggest points I have against people arguing that this was somehow not rape.

I normally classify myself as goofy and fun loving for the most part. I would also classify myself as a geek. For a good portion of people those combined deem me as immature and frankly I couldn’t care less. I love my iPod, my comic books and my sci-fi and frankly tough potatoes to them.

But there are certain forms of immaturity I have issues with. I take huge issue with the form of immaturity that demands a person be a victim in their own life. Yes there are times when it is correct and the description or perception of someone as the victim in correct. But let me make something very clear, someone who has been a victim does not go around demanding pity. In fact, I can honestly say that if a person approaches me with a scenario where I am suppose to judge someone else as the aggressor, the perpetrator of some devious crime against them, I normally call into question the person telling me the tale.

There are two main reasons why. One, I use to volunteer at a crisis center during college. I have had to talk wives into getting into a car to take them to a women’s shelter to get away from abusive situations. I have talked to rape victims into going to the hospital to at least be tested. I have seen so much horror that we can do to each other and one thing has always ringed clear, the person hates pity. This is something you can go to any children’s ward of any hospital and see.

To a true victim, pity is poison. Pity has certain connotations to it, as if the person is less and therefore should be felt bad for. Why do you think so many people with differences have supposed chips on their shoulders? It’s because of the bitter taste of pity they have to deal with. That somehow because of a wheelchair, scars or family background they need to be pitied and treated with kid gloves. Bullshit. Yes, life might be harder, they might have lived through hell, but they are here now and want nothing more than to be treated as everyone else. I can say this because of not only what I have consistently witnessed through not only my volunteering but also my job, but, because by society’s standards, I am a victim.

I have had 7 surgeries. I have had lets say, an interesting family dynamic. I have been raped. But to me, these are experiences, things I learn from, things that in an odd way reinforce how amazingly strong I really am. These are things that I believe I have experienced so I can speak honestly and intelligently speak about how they not only feel but how they can both hinder and motivate people at the same time. They do not, have not, or will ever, make me a victim. They just are.

What gets my goat is when a person feels the need to make themselves into a victim in order to deal with events. Often, their view of events change, heck their supposed reactions and behaviors change in order to rationalize why they are good and innocent and the other individual is evil. Often, this comes into play with relationships. What has caught me off guard is the fact that I am 32 years old. I thought we all outgrew this. I mean, this is pretty normal for a high school girl, but an adult? Really?

What has upset me is that I do feel pity. Not in the way that I’m sure it was intended. I don’t see any victims in the relationship, because frankly, as an outsider my memories of events haven’t changed. And since I have close to perfect recall (the reason why I don’t have to study), I doubt they will change. Heck, I can still quote the credit card digits of my Aunt’s card that she told my mom in the car when I was 4. I know, I have issues.

I feel pity for this individual’s inability to grow. By demanding victim status they are losing any opportunity to grow. No one is perfect and yet if everything is someone else’s fault, why should you look at yourself? How can you have a real adult healthy relationship without the ability to see things as they really are. Aperson who can’t do that has never become an adult. Just because you have sex doesn’t mean you are mature enough to deal with the consequences of it. And it makes me both angry and sad to see the wasted opportunity this has presented them.

In the end, it doesn’t impact me. but it is still a shame. Because no matter how I might disagree with personal views on life, a wasted life, which I fear this is becoming, is a loss to all humanity.

I will gladly collect and drop off the donations if you want to contribute. Here is the list of supplies needed:

Collection to benefit:
Earle B. Turner Recreation Center
City of Cleveland Recreation

Kleenex
Ziploc Bags (gallon size)
2” and 3” Three-ring Binders
Three-Prong, Two-Pocket Folders
USB Flash Drive
Protractor
70 – Sheet Notebook
Large Shirt for Art
Backpack
Washable Markers
12” Ruler
Socks, underwear, hats, gloves, scarves are needed
Crayons (24) Pack
#2 Pencils w/erasers
#2 Pencils Laddie w/erasers
Blue, Black, Red Ink Pens
Color Pencils
Mini Pencil Sharpener
Glue Sticks
Scissors
Large Eraser
Paper – College-Rule and Wide-Rule
Highlighter
Package of 3×5 Index Cards
Hand Sanitizer or Baby Wipes

The City of Cleveland recreation centers are committed to improving the quality of life in the City of Cleveland by strengthening our neighborhoods, delivering superior services, embracing the diversity of our citizens, and making Cleveland a desirable, safe city in which to live, work, raise a family, shop, study, play and grow old.

I am sorry it has been a while since I have posted. A lot has happened in a very short amount of time. Though a lot of it has been positive, last week a tragedy struck that rocked me to the core. I lost my cousin, Troy Piroch.

Troy, 20, was a sweet kid with a kind disposition. He had just graduated high school with honors and was getting ready to go to LCCC. His goal was to become a physical therapist. This might all sound very common in some aspects, but he was extraordinary. Troy had cerebral palsy and was mute.

He had overcome so much, including learning to walk, something that was certainly not expected given the level of condition.

He was on MySpace and would chat with my sister. He would go see my cousin Sean Piroch perform. Yes, he had limitations, but still, he led a pretty normal life.

A week ago Troy was found outside his home completely on fire. The neighbors put the fire out and he was med-evaced to Metrohealth in Cleveland. There, they performed massive amounts of surgery. Unfortunately, Troy had 2nd and 3rd degree burns on between 85% and 90% of his body. He also had sustained brain damage. When his kidneys started to fail, it was determined that best course of action was to let him go. He died Thursday evening.

Throughout all of procedures at Metrohealth he was kept in a drug induced coma, and in all honesty, that is the only thing that gives me comfort in this whole scenario along with knowing that the doctors at Metro, truly some of the best the world has to offer especially in the area of burn ward. Very little else has comforted me.

When I first heard about this I wasn’t sure what to make of it. I thought that maybe it was a kitchen fire issue and that he was burned, it was nothing to the extent that actually happened. Then the horror set in.

My poor sister went up to Metrohealth, since no one was really able to get any information due to my Aunt being out of touch with the family during the event (which is completely understandable given the situation) and HIPAA regulations preventing Metro to fill us in (also understandable). When she called and told me the true nature of everything going on I was at the Primate exhibit at the Zoo with my son, my mother and my brother for a work related event. I wanted to lay on the ground right there and curl up into a ball and cry. All I kept thinking was, dear God, he couldn’t even scream for help.

Then the shit started to fly. The first stance the Lorain County Sheriff’s Department took was this was a suicide. Yes, he had gasoline on him, but uh, no. Don’t buy it at all. The main reason? Simple, Troy’s impairment left him unable to work a button, much less a childproof lighter. There was no gas in the house so it wasn’t the oven, and there were no matches. So the question of how he would have actually managed to light the fire himself negated those claims. Not to mention the fact he showed no signs of clinical depression including the fact that he had plans for future events, something people contemplating suicide normally don’t do and was a devote Catholic (aka Suicide = Hell). The Sheriff’s Department personnel’s behavior, especially towards family members was plain disgusting. Even if this had been a suicide attempt the fact that anyone would say or behave in such a manner fills me with such disgust that it makes me physically ill. Things said in private I will not repeat, but needless to say, I am glad I was not present or I might have lost control.

Then the Chronicle Telegram posted a pic where all that is showing is the Sheriff’s car and my cousin’s shoes and socks, charred on the edges. I honestly have no idea what would possess them to post such a picture. If this is how you are finding out about someone you know being in critical condition after being burned alive that should be one of the last images that should be shown. It frankly showed such a complete disconnect between reporting actual news and going for a sensationalistic presentation. I was disappointed, but not surprised.

Then the next day it was reported that the Sheriff’s Department had switched from suicide to accident. Granted, NONE of this was determined with the fire report from the Firefighters or the doctor’s/coroner’s reports. Of course, they were unable to interview Troy due to the coma, but frankly the lack of effort was amazing.

Theories about how this happened start to surface. As I heard each one what was surprising was how much Mythbusters started to be referenced. At first it was rumored it was a cigarette that was flung out and accidentally hit the gasoline on Troy. Well, there is an episode of Mythbusters that proves that can’t start a fire. Then it was that he stepped on a lighter. Once again, Mythbusters came into play because they have shown in several episodes what happens when a lighter is broken and also what a lighter looks like when it is part of a fire. There was no broken lighter or even a lighter with char marks. And since his shoes and socks were not destroyed, which if he had stepped on a lighter triggering a spark, would have been the first items to feel the impact, to me, and many others, that rules out this aspect.

There is no answer to the question how. No one is sure as to why he was covered in gasoline though he was supposedly carrying a gas can from the shed that didn’t have a lid on it, but that is a whole other part of the story that is bizarre since it involves him supposedly changing his clothes and no real answer as to why he would have been carrying the gas can in the first place. I honestly have no idea if we will ever get the answer to the how.

What is stunning is the absolute lack of character of people you expect to have character in a situation like this and surprising compassion and caring from the least likely areas. I don’t give a shit what you have done, no one, NO ONE, deserves to die this way. And yet, to many this was a joke. Posts on the newspaper website making jokes, mentions of the Darwin Awards, etc have done nothing but make me ill. For the majority of the family this is an accident that took two people Troy and another, at best, with the majority of suspect on it being malicious.

I have had an intense desire to hit someone as of late. I am filled with a level of rage I have rarely ever experienced. So at the recommendation of my boyfriend, I am writing it down in hopes that I can start to grapple with this. It is hard though because you can rationalize almost anything, at least he went quickly, he had a rich full life, he didn’t suffer, but what is there to latch onto here? There is no comfort. And for a child who deserved so much better…

So as many of you know, last year beat me up pretty bad. And I just recently have gotten back on my feet. I am playing catch up at the moment and there is a lot to catch up on.

Money wise, I am in debt up to my eyeballs. Okay, not quite, but I have a lot of work to do. And this economy has not been helpful by any stretch. Between unemployment and being what is commonly referred to as under employed, coupled with the inability to find a part time job, well, there is a lot of work to do. Between school, bad debt and the house, I am roughly $120,000 in the hole. And the funny thing is that I really have come to hate being a home owner.

Then there is the weight. I started to gain weight when I was going through the divorce last year. I was stressed beyond all belief, working two jobs, my ex was still living in the house, in school full time and trying desperately to hold it together for the kid. And then I lost my job. And shortly there after there was the lump and the cancer scare. Frankly brownies are my drug of choice and boy did I partake.

So I tried so hard to find a way to pay for Comic Con, but I refuse to go deeper into debt. I love my son, and I loved Comic Con last year, but I have to be realistic. All my savings was shot while being unemployed. So, I canceled.

But there is an upside to all of this. I am planning on flying out to LA for Christmas. If I go out for a bit and have Anakin meet me for a couple days, it can be an amazing holiday. I can see my sister. I can see my mysterious Todd who says the oddest things and who I have never met in person. I can take the kid to Disneyland. And, I can cross an item off my life to do list, spend the day at the beach (even living on a lake my life has been so structured I have never been able to take a full day off to do that).

Plus, with my rockin new job, I have a killer amount of vacation, there is an inhouse gym that is better than some of the gyms around here that are actually paid memberships, and the cafeteria serves healthy food including a fresh fruit bar for breakfast. So though it is a downer now, I can’t help but feel that taking myself off the hook now will make my life easier in the long run.

Granted, when I am watching the twitter feed from friends at Comic Con, I might be beside myself.

Oh well, this is far from the last Comic Con ever and Anakin is still going to go to Gen Con and possibly Origins this year, so he can get his con fix this summer.
Blurg.

Honestly, I want to live in a place where this could happen. How much better would life be if this could occur every so often.

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