Lately I have been having discussions with my son about being an adult and the concept of manhood. I have also been discussing this topic, well discussing is probably not the right word, with another man in my life. This topic is surprisingly filled with so much loaded aspects that it has caught me off guard. The concept of being a woman isn’t as loaded. Yes, there are aspects up for debate, being married, having a kid, are these really needed to be a real woman, and all the fallout from those debates, yes. But for the most part, being a woman is pretty much defined in a very open ended manner, as what we want to see ourselves as.
But being a man, that is different story. It’s odd because to me it is clear what a real man is. But before I go on let me specify why I keep saying real man over just man. It boils down to meaning not age. Whether you believe a boy becomes a man at 12, 16, 18 or 21 or some other set age, almost everyone will agree that age doesn’t determine maturity. So just because a man is 60, doesn’t mean he is not a boy in maturity terms. That is why I specify real man. A real man, regardless of age, is one who fits the definition of man. I have met 14 year olds that were real men, and I have met 45 year olds who have never been a real man.
So, what a real man is to me. I come from a long line of military men, so this probably taints my view a little, but I think it is pretty universal by most real women standards. A real man does right by his family, his friends, his country and himself, and frankly, in that order.
Now I have been told that “this will help make a man out of him” in reference to my son and concerning activities all time. Frankly, to me, all those activities, they are simply playing at being a man. Just because you can do martial arts, fight, shoot something, throw a knife, use a sword, run a mile in under 5 minutes, do push ups, bench press their body weight, never cry, sleep with a ton of women, get a bunch of women’s phone numbers, have a kid, or carve a turkey does not make anyone a man. Can they influence, yes, but does it prove a person is a man? Absolutely not. In fact, by most womens’ standards, the exact opposite.
Why? Because to us, it’s a joke. It’s compensating for something. Especially when instead of actually fulfilling their responsibilities, they are doing this instead. See at the end of the day, the real definition of a Real Man is simple. They are responsible.
It’s funny. My son had mentioned one friend in particular as an example of manhood. He knows Kung Fu, can throw knives, is a great shot when playing paintball and probably other gun related sports, even knows archery. I told him he was a great example in many ways, but not for those listed. He is a single dad. He takes damn good care of his daughter, he holds a steady job and pays his bills. Is there times he would rather being playing Modern Warfare than helping his daughter do her homework? Of course, but he helps her. Is there time when he would rather watch a movie than make dinner, do the dishes or laundry? How wouldn’t, but he does them. And that is what makes him a Real Man and why my son should see him as an example. He doesn’t complain about doing them, makes excuses for not doing them or tries to hold out the things my son originally listed as reasons he shouldn’t have to. He does them. He is responsible.
My son is 11. I know that becoming a Real Man is a work in progress for the rest of his life. No one is perfect and we all drop the ball many times. But I look at his becoming a man as one of the most important things I need to teach him. And yes, I will take him to Kung Fu lessons, and teach him how to chat up a girl, and be there when he gets his heart broken and guide him through all the ridiculous images of being a man that derails so many boys and stunts their true growth.
But I think I am qualified even though I don’t have a penis. Because sometimes the best man for the job, is a woman.
well said girlie, well said.