Women and Expectations

Now I know I will hear about how this is kinda sexist in its take, too bad, because frankly it’s true. The majority of women expect too much from themselves.

Now granted, I am a woman, so there is an inherit bias towards this perception, but given that I see on a regular basis women who are dealing with so much and yet expecting they can do more while the men in my life primarily have underestimated their capabilities for production (notice I referred to production not talents) and shirk responsibilities in the relationship. I am guilty of this too, and that is why I feel something needs to be said.

Now what gets me is that though more women are working than ever before, the balance in things like housework, child rearing, etc hasn’t shifted to adjust for that. And what is even funnier is that house husbands are on the rise, and still, women do the majority of housework. Why, because they are women?

Now that men are staying home there is a push from them to equally share housework but come on, there was never that drive when women stayed home. What stuns me is when I hear the standard complaints from men, not enough hours in the day; I need a break, etc. I want to scream well, too bad, for generations women managed to do it, and I thought men and women are equal so why can’t men do it too?

Simple, though women now work outside the home more, time hasn’t past to break those stereotypes that things like housework and family management are a woman’s job. But I am seeing woman after woman break at this unrealistic expectation placed on them by society, their spouses and themselves.

In part, the issue is also with how men are raised. They never have been really forced to multitask, so housework seems ridiculously hard because they haven’t learned to do several things at once. I have actually seen men do dishes (with a dishwasher), scrub the bathroom, do laundry and make dinner separately. There isn’t a woman alive who would do that. (Start washing machine, prep dinner and put in oven, scrub sink and toilet, move laundry to dryer, start dishwasher, scrub tub and mop, pull out dinner, grab dishes from dishwasher for dinner, eat, restock dishwasher, fold laundry while watching 30 Rock, total time including 30 Rock and eating, 1.25 to 1.5 hours). So that needs to be addressed, but what I fear is actually something that has happened in the other direction for generations.

All women have breaking points, overwhelmed, depression and anger set in. And really, when you think of it, how could it not? Yes, there are antidepressants but if the issue isn’t addressed, it won’t stop the inevitable. She will get fed up, realize her limitations and she will leave. Now yes, it is partly her fault, she did allow those expectations from others to be placed on her, but let’s be honest, if the roles were switched, would anyone be surprised?

As women gain more economic power there is more flexibility in their choices. Though right now women who flex their economic power in social environments in similar ways to men are giving interesting nicknames like Cougars, the fact is it will grow. And so will the divorces from unequal marriages. How many working men left their stay at home wives who raised their children for a younger more active new mate? And how many were seen as justified because their wives didn’t keep a clean house or “let herself go”. Do you not think the same thing will happen as more women become the bread winners?

This is a cautionary tale for both sexes. To women, stop it, stop it right now. You cannot do everything. You will do nothing for your own health and sanity but break yourself. Then the resentment will set in as you look around at those closest to you who in many ways took advantage of you. And if your kid is 14 and doesn’t pack their own lunch they are part of the issue too. Stop it. Take a breath and start being realistic about your own abilities. Set up boundaries and start pushing back. Doing this will be good for your kids, your spouse, your family and most importantly you.

And for the men in our lives, step up. Learn to multitask. Realize that her time is just as valuable as yours. Actually look at not just what is expected from her but why it is. Do you expect her to do the housework because it was preprogrammed in to? Is it really fair? If she is putting in a 60 hour week and your hours have been cut, have you been doing more housework? Is there a real reason why you haven’t or is it because you just don’t like too? Well, here is a secret, we don’t like scrubbing toilets either. Suck it up, because to be completely honest, she can probably do better than you. Don’t give her a reason to figure that out.

Now yes, there are women who don’t do poo. They have one thing to do and it takes them all day. I call these people Pie People (long story). But for the majority of working mothers out there, they just don’t fall in that category.

So I would like everyone to make a goal for this New Years. Look at your lives and see where you need to let up on expectations. Look to see where you need to get some perspective and then do it. Can you do more? Are you ready to throw the cellphone out the window if it rings one more time? See where your life really is and what you can actually do. And then sit down and talk to your significant other. Because if the balance isn’t there, the relationship is normally where the break will happen.